Accepting that God is a loving God has been a very hard concept for me to grasp. It is something I still struggle with, but I feel God has asked me to examine the evidence of His love in my life to better understand who He is and to prove that He is love.
I was nine years old when my mother passed away in a car accident. This was a very abrupt traumatic event that has affected who I am to this day. I grew up a very confused girl, not knowing how to express my femininity. My mother was the kindest, most loving person I knew, but she was very mistreated while she was alive. She sacrificed her entire life for her children, but I remember all the times she was beaten in front of us, which is the part I associated with motherhood and marriage. So, I grew up with very negative connotations towards becoming a wife and mother.
I chose to pursue a career instead because I couldn’t bear living a life that resembled anything like my mother’s. However, I found chasing a career to be completely unfulfilling and it eventually broke my spirit and willpower. This became a very crucial turning point in my life because, in my brokenness, I found Jesus and this is where my healing began.
The pain of my past was still there but I had no idea God planned to heal that pain. I have always been one to face my fears, so I trusted that God would heal me even when it was hard or painful to trust Him. During Mother’s Day church services, I recall doing my best to hold back tears, but was eventually subdued by them.
Three years ago, I got a text from one of my friends after attending a Mother’s Day service. She believed God wanted her to tell me that He knew that holiday was hard for me, but one day I am going to be an amazing mother and have new memories with my own family. Another friend tried to counsel me about loss; he said that even though we lose people we love, God gives us other people to help with that pain, like other women in our lives that are motherly who take care of us. At the time I didn’t believe him and I thought it was just nice “Christian-ese” talk. I knew no one would ever replace my mother or make me feel as loved as she did.
Now, fast forward to Mother’s Day Service 2015. Last year, I was five months pregnant with my son Ashten and still had my doubts about motherhood. But during that time, I trusted that God had better plans for my life than I did. It was strange to sit through the entire sermon and not feel sad in the slightest bit, considering the year before I could barely make it through worship. I was thinking about how I wanted to be a good mother and all the memories we would make as a family. Not once did the thought of growing up motherless cross my mind.
That’s when I realized God had healed one of my deepest hurts in my life. I never saw it coming because motherhood was an idea I rejected for most of my life. Little did I know that the love I have for my son would heal the pain of my past. The thing I resisted the most is what God used to heal me. In the moments of doubt, I really had to trust that God knows best. So when the enemy tried to lie to me about my new life as a mother, I referenced Psalm 127:3:
“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him.”
Nothing could be truer. The love I have for my son is the greatest blessing I have ever received from God. My husband asked me a few months ago, “If you could travel back to any time in your life, would you?” I confidently responded, “No, this is the happiest time in my life.”
The point of my story is to trust that God will always have the best for you even when it’s hard to believe (Proverbs 3:5-6). God is in the business of changing lives. He wants to give you a brighter future and heal the areas in your life that are hindering you. If you are going through a storm, I want to encourage you that help is on its way (Matthew 8:23-27). God is in your corner working in you and through you to change your life for the better (John 16:33). He is your biggest fan and “what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later” (Romans 8:18).